Gimmee your ear!
So someone on the twins list serve just posted asking a very common twins-parent-to-be question: should they hire help with their newborns? This woman followed up with: if not, how did those without hired help do it? I responded and found myself typing more and more and more. Thought I'd post it here in case it's useful to someone else.
MY TAKE ON HOW WE MANAGED WITHOUT HIRED HELP
Hi there,
Before our girls arrived 7-1/2 months ago, we thought about the help question a lot and even collected some names and numbers. But in the end for financial reasons didn't hire help and we didn't regret that decision at all. In fact I think we were really happy looking back on the first month or two that it was such an intimate experience, i.e. without anyone we didn't really know well around. It's also empowering to just know that you can do it, and I think it helped us get back to normalcy more quickly (normalcy is the wrong word, but at least back at some of the things we enjoy doing... travel, exploring, visiting with friends, etc.)
To address the practical side of how we did it, I think the biggest key was that we had an amazing support network we could mobilize for various tasks. My parents and brother and sister-in-law live about 30 minutes away and I can't diminish the importance of that. Though even if you don't have family, but have been established here for a while with a few close, understanding friends, that could potentially serve the same function. This was sort of how our division of labor broke down and how people helped us:
+ my husband took off of work for the first month, so we both just powered through our sleep deprivation together, waking up together for feedings and changings
+ our friends created a food tree, so people would drop homemade food off every 2-3 days and stay to chat and hold the babies for maybe 30 minutes max (they were warned not to pay an extended social call!)
+ Having close friends and family who can come by to hold the babies for an hour or so every other day will allow you to take a nap, or send emails, etc.
+ we have family in the area so one of them would come by to help with shopping for the first few months (grocery shopping, dropping off nursing bras I'd requested, etc). Having people who can run shopping errands for you is key.
+ And I had a friend whose baby was 3 months ahead of the girls stop by to act as something of a breastfeeding coach in the beginning. She was able to help me get them latched on and just offer encouragement and relaxing words.
+ Our family and some very close friends also helped out with kitchen cleaning during some of their visits.
+ Around the twins' 2 month birthday we had 2 professional house cleaners come through and give the house a top to bottom cleaning. That really took care of all the accumulated grunge and at that point we were able to start taking better care of sweeping, toilet cleaning, on a more regular (but still infrequent) basis
I know it's a tough decision during a tough period of not knowing what's ahead, how you'll feel after their delivery, etc. I did have vaginal delivery but had tearing and so it wasn't an easy recovery (having someone who could make trips to the drugstore for painkillers, pads, etc. who wasn't my husband was key). Still we got through it all without night help which some people had suggested we just had to have. Parenting twins in the beginning is not easy, but as their personalities emerge around 3 months everything gets so much better.
I think also because we didn't have help, feeling comfortable getting out with the girls early was important. Just walking to the coffee shop in the early weeks and writing thank you notes there until the girls woke up and we had to scoot home, was important social contact. Though I was ready to bonk all the people who saw me out with the girls on the street and said, "enjoy this time, it goes so quickly." For me every day felt like an eternity. But now I actually understand what those people meant... though I think I'm still close enough to that period that I wouldn't use the imperative "enjoy it", I'd say "get through it in as good spirits as you can." Oh, and if you do decide against night help, always agree with your partner before you go to sleep who is handling night feedings and how... you don't want to have those discussions in the middle of the night. In our experience that was when we were most likely to get cross.
Also, and this is totally apart from the help question, something I've come to feel strongly is that the whole parenting twins thing is walking a tightrope. It's important to cut yourself slack because you have twins, but at the same time you can't use having twins as an excuse for some decision. Of course only you can decide what parenting issues fall into which category, but for me just remembering that distinction is important.
I hope some of this has been helpful. I wish you all the best on your coming babies. Don't hesitate to call if you have any follow up questions...
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